Having grown up on the South Coast of England, I have plenty of personal, in-depth experience of English seaside towns.
As a kid I loved the English seaside, but as an adult I couldn’t wait to escape it. With certain notable exceptions (such as Brighton), English coastal towns exist in a time warp charactised by Clive Anderson’s famous quip: “If you want to know what the Isle of Wight was like 30 years ago, go there now”.
Hastings, on the Sussex coast, is a town I’ve visited only twice in my life. Once in lovely sunny weather ten years ago when the seafront was awash with boisterous teenagers in kiss-me-quick hats. And once ten days ago, on August 1st, when it was awash with a monsoon.
Believe me, there are few things more depressing than a rain-drenched English seaside town on a Saturday evening. However, on this particular night in Hastings, with a show to go to, the bad weather didn’t really matter, excepting insofar as it had slowed our journey down.
There are several ways you can drive to Hastings from London. All of them are unsatisfactory if you’re in a hurry, and not much better even if all you want to do is get there.
Oh how fellow snapper DeeBee and I laughed as we whizzed past the exit on the M20 motorway that should have been marked “Hastings, or forget it” — but wasn’t.
Oh how we chuckled as we finally got off the M20, only to get caught in miles of crawling traffic that had been diverted following a big lorry pile-up on the opposite carriageway.
But finally we escaped Kent and entered what the tourist board down there calls 1066 Country — one in the eye for the Isle of Wight’s mere 30-year backward glance. Hastings finally appeared about an hour later at the end of a long, winding and rain-sodden road.
St Mary In The Castle turned out to be an amazing venue just off the seafront. Entered through a nondescript café facade next door to a fish ’n’ chip shop, it opens up into a sizable domed theatre with tables at ground level, tiered balcony seating in a semi-circle at the rear, and a proper big stage.
A grade II listed Georgian building that began life as a church, it’s like finding a little bit of Prince Albert’s Brighton transplanted further down the coast.
But why exactly was Dark Burlesque making its debut here, in what could most generously be described as an off-off-Broadway location?
Well, DB co-producer and star Veronika Valentine explained that she already had “a bit of a following” in Hastings. And when she added in the fact that they didn’t have any regular burlesque there, and the town had this fabulous venue, everything just fell into place.
Judging from the attendance, it was a smart move. The large VIP seated area and the standing area around the walls was sold out, the rubbish weather evidently proving no discouragement. Lots of people had, like us, made the journey from London just to see it.
All that way just to see another burlesque night? Not really. Dark Burlesque isn’t really like any typical burlesque night you’ll see anywhere else (yet) because it’s actually a touring show. It’s a complete package, a scripted show with top UK performers and its own bevy of glamorous retro-clad hostesses who double as entertainers.
When I read the preview description of DB as being “more like a West End show”, I did wonder if it was wishful thinking. But it wasn’t. What unfolded before us in Hastings was indeed a proper show, fully choreographed and carefully styled, right down to the hostesses’ matching black satin gowns and necklaces.
When I read the description of Dark Burlesque as being “more like a West End show”, I did wonder if it was wishful thinking. But it wasn’t
Aside from the interval, there was no break in the performances. This was cleverly achieved by having the hostess-performers come on to the auditorium floor in front of the stage to do fill-in spots while the stage itself was readied for the next solo turn.
Props were a vital element of the main stage performances and made a big difference to the visual impact of the night as a whole. On the average burlesque night, you’d be lucky to see a couple of performances with the kind of extravagant props employed by the likes of Dita von Teese.
But with Dark Burlesque, more solo performances than not featured set-pieces involving such props. First of these was by Vicky Butterfly, with a routine that saw her transform from Beardsleyesque fan dancer to pre-Raphaelite beauty atop a giant crescent moon, ending up rather cleverly wearing more clothes than she had started with.
Vicky and her moon were followed by Annette Betty, who continued the celestial theme by performing around and atop a giant star. Chrys Columbine’s two-part show featured a giant multi-coloured clam-shell and a strip that ended with matching clam-shell underpinnings.
Veronika Valentine rode a Hollywood-style cloud onstage before stripping to fancy undies and being carried off on the same cloud. Chrys Columbine, also a trained concert pianist, reappeared for her famous classical strip, playing the venue’s grand piano and removing bits of clothing between stanzas.
Trixie Sparkle transported us into noir territory with a routine that saw her, clad in a red bikini, riding a giant pistol like a character on the cover of a 1950s pulp detective novel.
The final act found Chrys and Veronika teaming up for some sensual shenanigans around a giant revolving hookah shisha.
In between these big set pieces were numerous other performances onstage: Luna Rosa’s exotic strip, Fifi Fatale’s fan dance, a fire show by Naomi Sareth and Little Miss Dragon and, at the microphone, singers Miss Durand and Emily Grieve.
In front of the stage between acts, we were treated to a graceful en pointe ballet piece from Veronika and a performance called Vain Rain from Crystal Charade, Dolly Blow-Up and Emily Grieve.
Crystal and the other hostesses — Mam’zelle Maz, Dolly Blow-Up, Emily Grieve, Little Miss Dragon, Naomi Sareth and Desyre — also turned out in force for a whacky interlude involving a giant chick, and later for a big tap number starring Chrissi, the show’s choreographer.
Women in the audience outnumbered men by about four to one I’d guess, and many of them had taken the opportunity to dress in accord with the overall retro vibe of the show, sporting anything from corsets, fishnets and fascinators to full-on vintage outfits. And it was pretty clear that they were all enjoying themselves.
On this showing, the omens seem very good for Dark Burlesque. As long as the economics of touring such a big production can be made to work, we should expect to see it not just in London and other big UK cities but also further afield. Berlin — where co-producer Simon Kennedy is based — is currently at the top of a list of potential European venues.
And do you know what? I completely forgot for a while that we were in Hastings. Although, when we finally began the long drive home, we discovered that 1066 Country wasn’t quite ready to forget us.
After driving for quite some time along dark country roads in what we thought was the direction of London, we arrived at a signpost that indicated that we were, in fact, on our way back to Hastings.
Spooky or what? But then again, they do say you can’t have too much of a good thing.
